Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
high people should be assigned attendants
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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