Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
