I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
