My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dick very happy bro
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
