you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
