You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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