she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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