she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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