I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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