im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
