im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
