I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
