he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
