You're completely useless in the revolution.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
