Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
