just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
