My vagina just recognized that song.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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