You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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