wanna go halves on a baby?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
