I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
