i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
