This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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