Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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