based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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