i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
