My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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