: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
