Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
