HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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