yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
