Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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