The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
