Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
