I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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