can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
