my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
