I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
