where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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