btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
