My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The maid of honor just puked.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
