can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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