I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
