The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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