Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
