I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
