I can text with my tongue
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
