If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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