Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
