May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
