At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
