just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize