Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
