The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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