I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
