When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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