I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
