I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
