we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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