I think i sorta joined a cult last night
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
its liver damage thursday
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
