my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize